…I was allowed to be both.

Somewhere along the way, without anyone ever saying it directly, I learned that a woman gets to be one thing: smart or pretty. Serious or sensual.

 I chose early, and I chose without actually knowing I was choosing.

I was afraid to be pretty because pretty meant stupid. I was afraid to be sensual because sensual meant shallow.

And also stupid.

I absorbed this so completely that I spent most of my life actively avoiding being seen as attractive. I did it for so long that I eventually believed it myself.

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The cost of this strategy was something I didn't fully understand until much later. I wasn't just hiding from other people's judgment. I was hiding from myself. From the parts of me that wanted to be seen, that wanted to take up space, that wanted to exist without first proving their credentials. I watched other women who seemed to have skipped this entire negotiation and I didn't understand how. I felt something I didn't want to name.

Envy.

It took me a long time to realize they hadn't been given something I hadn't.

They had simply stopped waiting for permission.

Elzential began as an experiment and became something I didn't expect: a way back to myself. Using my body as a tool, as an object, as an author all at once, something cracked open. The split between the sensual and rational, between desired and taken seriously, between the visible and the worthy.

I stopped waiting for permission and started existing instead. I started reclaiming myself. No longer choosing between the black and white of 'pretty' or 'smart,' but painting myself in every shade and color I actually am.

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